stupid.

school sucks. im invisible there.
oh, im invisible anywhere actually.
and still trying to keep a smile on
my face at the same time. lovely.

im lonely. the story of my life.
sometimes i wonder if things will ever change.
because as of right now, they went back to how
they were before. big shock.

but my bad for thinking it would change.

summer = over.

this summer is officially over, because today was my first day of my junior year. and if you were wondering how school is...well, its school. thats all i have to say. im really worried about my pre-calc and my chemistry class - those seem like they will be the hardest.

but whatever, this summer was amazing. it doesnt even feel like i should be going back to school, i feel like i should be going back to colombia or to africa or something. high school just doesnt seem to fit me. i dont feel like i fit. and i dont, because god calls me to be something different, but i just dont feel like i need to be there. and im sure i do, it just doesnt seem like it.

maybe its just downriver in general. it seems like i need to get out of downriver. to see something different, a change of people, place, everything. i want to get out of michigan. now.

irritated.

you say you care.
you say im worth so much.
you say im a good friend.
you say you want to hang out.

PROVE IT.

call me crazy,

so, i have already blogged today, but i feel so so so compelled to just get this emotion out of my right now.

it sounds so crazy, but i just feel so called to go to another country and serve. RIGHT NOW. if i could, i would. i want to go and serve and be the hands and feet of jesus. i just feel so lead to do this. and every time i think of a country, its always uganda, india, or thailand. im not even sure why with those two countries, but i just feel so drawn to them. i dont know why, i just do. yes, i feel like i should go back to colombia, but i feel like i am bound to just go to at least one of those three countries and serve. to be honest, i would stay there forever. i would. i've always thought it would be cool, but then people always think about money and stuff like that, but it doesnt even seem important to me right now.

ever since before and after colombia, i felt compelled to do A LOT of mission work. but its just been bubbling inside of me and now im exploding. i hope to go to one of those countries after i graduate high school. like, right after.

i hope i could one day impact someone like katie does everyday: http://amazima.org/blog.html

live and let live.

today was skyler's funeral. it was so sad. and thats what everyone kept saying, including myself: "its so sad." and it got me thinking to MY funeral.

as much as we dont like to admit it, our funeral will one day come. we all die, its just the way life works. and skyler was obviously no exception. none of us our, but what i heard a lot was: "its so sad. she was so young." and i was just thinking to my funeral. i couldnt tell you when that will be and i dont want to know either, but this whole thing has just made me think that if i died tomorrow, i hope people wouldnt say, "its so sad, she was so young." i would want them to say, "its sad, but she lived. she really LIVED and LOVED." they might say that its sad and i wouldnt care if they grieved (maybe they wont, who knows), but i would want to be known for really just loving god - and through loving god, loving others. i just want to glorify him with everything that i do - absolutely everything. now, i dont think i would have accomplished everything that i want to do if i die tomorrow, but i would want to know that i strived to give god the glory through my life. and i hope i do, even though im not the best at it.

so i hope that when i die, people will say, "yeah, it may be sad, but she loved and she lived. and she did it loud."