tired.

i'm not feeling too hot today. my nose is running and my throat is killing me and my eyes wont stop watering. so i stayed home. i hate staying home. and i have mayfest tonight and i have to go ):

still feeling lonely, more than ever. i dont belong anywhere. but i do feel accepted at aleck's and kvan's house(its the same house). but i'm just seeking god that much more.

i'm getting my hair cut saturday. i'm not doing much, just editing what i already have a little. like this:

i really wish this girl wouldnt have that much cleavage though, sheesh.

so im excited about that.

move forward.

i now remember why i never liked rain...my joints didnt like it. and of course, today is all rain. and the past few days the weather has been going bonkers so my joints dont like that either. and today was so exception. one knee cant bend all of the way without hurting and the other cant fully extend all of the way. its very nice. i was in meijer today and an older lady(she was about seventy) was walking just fine and she passes me as i'm limping. i really hope my arthritis isn't coming back ): but i really want to keep going, but its hard not being able to do anything, even if its something like walking.

also, i am realizing how few friends i have. i have been talking to two. count 'em- one, two. yeah. one friend is "upset" with me, causing another friend to not talk with me. which is just awesome. i might be hanging out with someone i have known since first grade...but thats only if my body will let it be so.

its extremely hard to even try and stay optimistic when i feel like a lonely(socially), old(physically) lady.

jeremiah 29:11 - "for i know the plans i have you for," declares the lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

yesterday!

mothers day was so good. i'm so happy that i could help make the day special for my mom(finally)!

^he's so cute!!

how he loves.

i've never really had a favorite song. but i have one now. here:

lyrics:
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us so

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And the heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

smooth.

i want to start running.
i always say that, and i always want to, its just a matter of being motivated enough. i ran last week, for ten minutes, but i didnt stop, so at least it was consistent. but i really want to run at least once a week. i just like the way that it makes you feel...healthier, lighter, etc. and from reading stacy's blog i now know how much water i should be drinking a day (:

i just want to start running and eating better.

well...

i guess you could say i'm getting better as the week goes on. much better actually. i looked at my past blogs and i was like, "dang, all of them are depressing."

1. bad new and good news all in one. a few friends were in a car accident. good news, they are all alive, bad news, four are in a lot of pain. and its sad. but at least they are okay. the police said that one of them should have died, but he is the one that got hurt the least. god is so amazing.

2. we had a colombia meeting today (: darren, the missionary, came and talked to us and it was really cool. im so excited for this trip. i cant wait for god to show me new things, and what i can improve on, and how he is going to change my heart. i want a heart like his soo bad. i want to love like him, have compassion like his, have his patience and forgiveness, everything. i just want his heart and eyes and feelings. i want my relationship to grow and not fall. i know it will be hard to keep it up, but i dont want that love to die out. even though the fire might, i dont want the love to. im just so excited. god has blessed me with enough money to go, and now i want to bless others, like kristin, who cant fund raise the money as well as i could. im just so excited about everything.

3. i really want red hair, and a nose ring. period.

4. i want to be more optimistic. i was texting my friend alecks earlier and he said "tomorrow is wednesday!" and in my head in thinking well, yes. it is, thats how the week's order goes. tuesday then wednesday(i'm very sarcastic). but then he said "then its thursday and then friday!" which we were talking about how excited we were for the weekend. it probably seems so stupid to you, but to me, i thought it was cool because it was a different way of being excited that after tomorrow, there was only two more days to the weekend. he could have easily said "i hate the week. we still have three more days, this sucks" which is something i would have said. hahaha. i dont know, i thought it was cool.

i'm done babbling on for today.

getting better.

this past week was a very, very, very bad week.
i probably cried almost everyday and cried myself to sleep a few of the nights.
on monday, i had a friend get "upset" with me over something that wasnt even my fault. but apparently, everythig in my life is my fault so i take the fall and feel terrible. this friend is someone i have been friends with since seventh grade, so we were best friends for about two years, but altogether we were friends for about three and a half years. thats a pretty long time considering i dont talk to anyone i used to. she is no longer speaking to me...which is pretty much breaking my heart. she is everywhere, at my school, alive, with the only people i relatively talk to and its so hard. almost every friend that i have ever had has always moved, or replaced/rejected me. here's one more to the list. and its always my fault even when i dont do anything.

also, i didnt make RoVaSi (Roosevelt Variety Singers) which is a group in my school which pretty much just sings and dances. and i auditioned...and didnt make it. i wanted it sooo bad. i made the musical and found out how much i love singing and dancing, and everyone told me i would make it so i also cried for about two days when i found out. and i mean, i bawled. it sounds so stupid...i didnt make something. but it was the first thing in a long time that i really really really wanted and admitted i wanted it and then it didnt happen.
and i know that god has something better planned...it is just super hard to see it right now.
but i know its coming, so i'm waiting on HIS timing, not my own. god is way smarter than me, so i'm just going to leave it to him.

so i have been crushed this week by these two things and also other little things, and its been terrible. but i have this peace today that i know it is all going to be okay. i'm just going to seek god that much more. i KNOW he has something better for me, I KNOW IT. i just have to trust in his timing.