i dont know.

i dont really know why, but i'm in a wierd mood.

i'm thinking of people, a lot of them. people i used to talk to a lot, people that have changed so much, people who i wish i was better friends with. just people. and lots of them. and so this leads me to a lot of praying.
i am praying like crazy, for everyone.
for a friend i was upset with earlier, for a friend that lied to me a long time ago, a friend who tells another friend they are changing but is not changing, for a friend fried who is now so different from who they were, for a friend who stopped talking to me for no reason who i think about all of the time, for a friend who needs a lot of help with fundraising on my colombia team, for a friend of my moms, for a friend who went on a mission trip to africa, for a few friends on colorado, for a friend who is doing a lot of searching, for a friend i wish would follow up on plans we make, for a friend who i wish i would hang out with more, and for friends i was never really friends with after all.

i am...flabbergasted at the amount of people i used to talk to and hang out with that i no longer hang out with anymore. i can now count on one hand the amount of true friends i have. and i would probably have trouble naming all of those five people. honestly.

sometimes i wish i were more outgoing and fun and lovable. but at the same time, i dont. because that wouldnt be me. it wouldnt fit the description of "phyllis." i'm more easy going and laid back and task oriented. but there is still a deep wanting to be like the above that i listed. sometimes i try, and i dont feel like i'm being myself. i dont know.

someone very close once told me, "sometimes i feel bad that you dont have many friends."
i want to have more than just acquaintances. but i dont know.


on another note, only 30 more school days(not including the weekends).
and i cant wait to give my mom her mothers day present.
and i cant wait to go to vienna.
and i cant wait to go to colombia.